Archive for November, 2011

Liminal

Of late I have been in that space of inbetweeness: I have not been living in the past, present or future.  I am in a liminal mood and I suppose over the course of a lifetime we all hit these emotional doldrums. I think the first time that most of us experience this feeling is in that awkward phase just before you become a teen: you don’t belong to being either a child or a teenager and society doesn’t really know how to treat you. For me the next time I experienced this feeling was when I left secondary school: I had passed my Leaving Cert but hadn’t a hope in hell of attending a university and as a consequence I didn’t have a clue what to do with myself. However, I never really got the chance to settle into a steady rhythm as tragically my mother died just before I was twenty-one.

Now for most people becoming twenty-one is a rite of passage, a time to let loose and celebrate the joy of life. Alas, for me I was faced with the very horrid face of mortality. I do not think I shall ever find the words to truly express the trauma I felt and the sense of helplessness that followed. Suffice to say I self-medicated with booze. Time marches on, not because you want it to but because it must. At the time I felt I was dealing with it all but dear reader I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I disappeared into a liminal place: a place between living and grieving.  Every time an event occurred like a wedding or passing an exam I would always miss my mother. Oh, and things fell apart, schisms grew and some of those wounds will never heal.  It is all rather depressing is it not? Yes, it is and you know why? Because our society no longer has coping mechanisms for dealing with the grief of loss never mind the actual loss. Sometimes life sucks and that is that and there is no answer.

Well, those inbetween days are back.  Hope they pass soon.

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